Our program today was introduced by Bruce McCallum who, in a shrewd bit of delegation and reincarnation managed to get Ralph Edwards (Bob Harbicht) to stage the Arcadia Rotary version of “This is Your Life.”

Bruce introduced the host of our show and Ralph (Bob) made his way to the podium.  After welcoming everyone he got things started by exclaiming: “Brad Miller, This is Your Life!!!”  He then asked Brad to remain seated explaining that we had hired a double to play his part.

Brad’s double (Brian Hall) entered the room and excitedly made his way to the stage.

Ralph explained to Brad that this was a trip down memory lane.  We were going to relive some of the many highlights of his life and bring out friends and relatives (some even posthumously) that he hadn’t seen in years.

A voice from outside the room:  Bradley, your father and I credit you with helping to hold our marriage together as long as it lasted.  That’s mostly because neither of us wanted custody.

Ralph:       Yes, Brad.  Our first guest, here to talk about those early years, is your loving Mum (Imy Dulake).

Brad was thrilled to see her again after all these years and he was quite surprised at having her come all the way from New Zealand for this event.  Ralph explained that’s the magic of television and the power of the Arcadia Rotary Club.

Ralph:       Well, Mrs. Miller, we understand that Brad was your first child.  That must have been an eye-opening experience for you.

Mum:        Well, yes.  Bradley was our first child, and I think the fact that he’s an only child speaks volumes.

The first thing I learned is that insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.

We also learned that it’s very difficult to argue with children.  Firstly, you’re not young enough to know everything.

Brad:         One time I ran away from home and it took them six weeks to find me.

Ralph:       Why was that, Mrs. Miller?

Mum:        We didn’t look!

Ralph:       It sounds like Brad’s birth came as a bit of a surprise to you.

Mum:        Yes, before Bradley was born, we didn’t believe in birth control.

Ralph:       And how do you feel about it now?

Mum:        I still have mixed feelings about it.  Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

I remember one time Bradley’s father Milton found Bradley looking very glum.  He sat down with him and asked, “What’s wrong son?”  Bradley told him, “I can’t get along with your wife.”

Ralph:       And Brad, do you have any feelings about your childhood that you’d like to express?

Brad:         It seems to me that childhood is like being drunk.  Everyone remembers what you did, except you.

Ralph:       Thank you Mrs. Miller for making this long, arduous trip for Brad’s special day.

Ralph:       Brad, we have another person from your past whom you haven’t seen for many years.

Voice from outside the room:  Do you remember when we tried to dig a tunnel under the street from my house to your house?

Ralph:       Yes, it’s your childhood friend, Bruce MacKenzie (Rob Granger). As Bruce made his way to the stage Ralph continued:  I understand that you and Brad had many adventures growing up across the street from each other.  What happened with the tunnel under the street.

Bruce:       First, I want to assure you it was Brad’s idea.  In fact, now that I think about it, most of the mischief we got into was Brad’s idea.

One time we were playing Cowboys and Indians.  Brad was the cowboy and I was the Indian.  Brad had captured me and hung me from a tree.  Fortunately, his knot tying skills were not so good and I escaped before strangling.

Ralph:       I understand that Brad’s father, Milt, was an accomplished sailor and tried to teach Brad those skills.

Bruce:       Yes, and I think his knot tying skills, or lack thereof, were a pretty good indication of what his sailing skills would be.

Ralph:       I understand that you and Brad started school together and walked there together.  What was Brad’s reaction after his very first day of school?

Bruce:       When I asked him what he thought of school, he said it was stupid.  He said, “I can’t read.  I can’t write.  And they won’t let me talk.”

Ralph:       Did things improve for Brad at school?

Bruce:       Not really.  I’ll give you some examples of answers he gave on various tests.

• Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
• The moon is a planet just like earth, only it is even deader.
• A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle

Ralph:       Thank you Bruce.  I’m sure your reminiscences have brought back many fond memories for Brad.  Bruce then took his seat in the audience

Ralph:       Brad sent his senior year of high school at Mt. Scopus Memorial College in Melbourne, Australia.  He stayed with a family of holocaust survivors.  The parents kept all their money hidden in their home because, after their experience, they had lost trust in any government or institution, even banks.

Voice from outside the room:  Hi Brad.  You know, we never were able to find that stash of money after you left.  We’re just forgetful, I guess.

Ralph:       It’s Phil Levine (John Davis), the teenage son of the family you stayed with.

Phil:           We spent a lot of time in Australian pubs during your time with us.  I remember the time they had the pub trivia contest and the question was, “What is the shortest race in the Olympics?”

Brad:         I was sure I’d be the winner, but apparently “The Chinese” wasn’t the right answer.

Phil:           Remember when we were working part time at the supermarket?

Brad:         Oh sure.  I had to make some spending money while I was away from home.

Phil:           I remember the time that woman was picking through the frozen turkeys but couldn’t find one big enough for her family.  She asked you, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”  And you told her, “No Ma’am, they’re dead.”

Ralph:       Thanks for your visit, Phil.  I’m sure you and Brad will have plenty to talk about after the show.

Ralph:       So you finally came to America at the behest of your father.  Do you recognize these voices?

Two voices from outside the room in unison:  Remember the great times we had at the University of Oklahoma, Brad?

Ralph:       Yes, Brad, it’s your old college buddies, Jeff Akins (Dave Didier) and Bill Hagmaier (Pat Dolphin).

Jeff and Bill entered wearing OU attire.

Jeff:           Before deciding on Oklahoma University, Brad applied to UCLA.  One of the questions it asked was, “Are there any significant accomplishments you have realized or experiences you have had, that have helped define you as a person?

Jeff:           And Brad wrote the following on his application:

“I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.  I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.  I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.  Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing.  I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes.  I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.  I play bluegrass cello. I was scouted by the Mets, and I am the subject of numerous documentaries.  When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridgesin my yard.  I enjoy urban hang gliding.  On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.  Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.  I don’t perspire.  I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.  I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes.  Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration.  I bat 400.  My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.  Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.  I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.  I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket.  I have performed several covert operations for the CIA.  I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.  While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.  The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.  On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.  Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.  I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a blender and a toaster oven.  I breed prizewinning clams.  I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.  I have played Hamlet.  I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.  But I have not yet gone to college.

Ralph:       So Brad ended up at the University of Oklahoma.  Quite a change for a boy from New Zealand.

Jeff:           I’ll say!  And was he ever naïve.  He thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing development

Bill:            I remember we had a big test one day.  When the period ended all the students turned their tests in.  Brad had attached a $100 bill to his with a note that said, “A dollar per point.”

Jeff:           The next day the professor handed out the tests.  Brad got his test back and $56 change.

Ralph:       Did sending Brad to college do anything at all?

Jeff:           Sure did!  It totally cured his mother of bragging about him.

Brad:         I’ll have you know, I could have been a Rhodes Scholar . . . except for my grades.

Bill:            One Spring vacation we were all invited to spend the week at a fishing camp.  It was way out in the wilderness; no booze, no nightlife, no women.

Ralph:       Did you enjoy that, Brad?

Brad:         Who went??

Jeff:           College was kinda tough on Brad.  In fact, at one point he got so depressed he called a suicide hot line.

Ralph:       What happened?

Brad:         Well, I was connected to a call center in Pakistan.  When the guy found out I was suicidal, he got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck.

Jeff:           One night the three of us were going out for a night on the town and this bum approached us asking for money.  I told him to get lost.

Bill:            But Brad reaches in his pocket and gives the guy five bucks.  I said, “What the hell did you do that for?  You know he’s only going to use it on drugs or booze.”

Jeff:           And Brad says, “And we weren’t?”

Bill:            When Brad was at OU he had to write a biography of Benjamin Franklin, and he hated doing it.  He vowed that he would never do anything so honorable or so noble that someone would have to write a report on him.

Jeff:           So far, so good!

Ralph:       Well thanks, guys, for helping us relive some of Brad’s college days.

Ralph:       We have another visitor today from your chiropractic college.  All the way from Molokai, Hawaii is Dean Chow (David Hu).  He entered, wearing a straw hat, Hawaiian shirt, several leis, and grass skirt.

Ralph:       I understand that you and Brad had some hilarious experiences when you were in college together.  Perhaps you could share a few with us.

Dean:        (speaking in Chinese)  He related several stories, laughing, slapping his thighs, etc.

(Note: this reporter has no clue what he said).

Ralph:       Thank you Dean; that was fascinating.  I’m sure we’ll never forget those wonderful stories.

Ralph:       We have another surprise visitor for you, Brad.

Voice from outside the room:    Before I met Brad, he was single, by choice.  Only it wasn’t his choice.

Ralph:       Yes Brad, it’s your beautiful wife Julie (Mimi Hennessy) who you met on a blind date.

Julie entered the room in dark glasses and a waving a White Cane to find her way.    Finally making her way to Brad they fumbled to embrace. It was hilarious.

Ralph:       Julie, I understand that you and Brad went on an ocean cruise for your honeymoon.

Julie:          Yes Ralph.  In fact, just before we left Brad went into a pharmacy and bought some Dramamine and contraceptives.  The druggist took him aside and said, “Son, if it makes you sick, why do you do it?”

Ralph:       I imagine you had some rough patches as most young couples do?

Brad:         Well yes.  One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.

Julie:          And when we got checks back marked “Insufficient funds,” I didn’t know if it meant us or the bank.

Brad used to drive much too fast.  One time shortly after we were married he was pulled over by a policeman.  When the cop got to the window he said, “I’ve been waiting for you all day.”

Brad said, “I got here as fast as I could.”

Ralph:       Hopefully your influence over the years has taught Brad a better way to live.

Julie:          I’ve tried.  I told him if he gave up drinking and fatty foods and lost 50 pounds it would add ten years to his life.

Brad said, “Yeah.  Trouble is it’ll add them to the wrong end.”

Brad:         Let me tell you some facts about nutrition:

1.  The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fat and they suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

Conclusion:  Eat and drink whatever you want.  Speaking English is apparently what kills you!

Ralph:       So Julie, do you worry about Brad’s health?

Julie:          Well, Ralph, Brad’s grandfather lived to be 93.  When we asked what he attributed his good health to, he said he put a pinch of gunpowder on his breakfast cereal every morning.

When he died he left four children, 14 grandchildren, and a 50-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

Ralph:       Thanks, Julie, for all those wonderful memories.  We have one more voice from your past, Brad.

Voice from outside the room:    Brad, I’ll never forget our days in Chiropractic college together, you were always using me to practice your adjustments.

Ralph:       Yes, Brad, it’s your old Chiropractic College classmate, Vince Portera (Roger Gewecke).

Vince entered with a cane, bent over and limping so badly he could hardly walk.

Ralph:       Maybe you could answer a question I’ve always wondered about.  How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?

Vince:        Only one.  But it’ll take him seven visits to do it.

Vince:        You know, there’s a lot to learn about dealing with patients when you first open your chiropractic practice.

Ralph:       I understand that one time in the early days of Brad’s practice he was at a party talking to Jim Helms.  Their conversation kept getting interrupted by people coming up and asking Brad for advice.  Brad asked Jim, “How do you stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“When they ask, I give them advice,” replied Jim “and then I send them an invoice in the morning.”

Brad decided to take Jim’s advice and for the rest of the evening wrote down the name and address of everyone who approached him for advice.

The next morning he took out the list, just as his secretary came into his office with a bill from Jim.

Ralph:       I suppose that every chiropractor is different from the others.  Are there any characteristics the one would associate with getting chiropractic services from Brad?

Vince:        Yes, a few.  For example:

• Afterwards, when you walk you make a kind of wacky accordion sound
• Brad keeps muttering, “A spine is like a box of chocolates”
• You often hear crunching sounds, followed by “Uh-oh”
• Sometimes he rushes in late for your appointment still wearing his Burger King uniform

Ralph:       Thank you, Vince, for those wonderful memories.