Rotary is composed of people accustomed to meeting the challenges of life, including that of placing service above self. Symbolic of these challenges is a good-natured ribbing. The higher one rises in Rotary (or even in public life) the more one is exposed to such ribbing. For example, if a Rotarian becomes a state legislator and then shows up for a Rotary meeting, he can expect to be pelted with rolled-up napkins.

No-one is more talented in providing such a good-natured ribbing than next year’s sergeant-at-arms, Bob Harbicht. Few can equal the sense of humor that comes so naturally to Bob. So, with that in mind, here is the script of his memorable introduction of Arcadia Rotary’s Incoming (2013-2014) Officers and Board which Bob was kind enough to provide.

The Script Follows:

[quote] For the installation of Officers and Directors this evening I’m going to call their names out one at a time and ask them to join me. Once I have them all up here, I’ll proceed with their installation. As they’re coming forward I’ll tell you a little about each of them.

The lowest ranking of those being installed this evening is the Sergeant at Arms. That will be me and, as you can see, I am already up here.

Next is our director of Public Image, Jack McRae.

• Jack has always said that honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.
• He used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now he’s turned his life around; he’s obnoxious and arrogant.
• Some say he’s immature, but he can cuss like a 10 year-old.
• Jack proves the old adage that nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The person in charge of Membership Development is none other than Aaron Rose.

• Aaron’s wife Caroline tells me he’s not too handy around the house. For instance, he couldn’t fix the brakes on his car, so he made his horn louder.
• When he was a boy he had dyslexia. Fortunately, he was also cross-eyed so he could still read OK.
• Aaron has delusions of adequacy.
• I must admit, he has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

In charge of New Generations this year is Andrea Bundesman.

• Andy almost didn’t make it this evening. They had a power outage at the mall this afternoon and she was stuck on the escalator for over an hour.
• They say it is better to give than to receive. Andrea says it depends on the gift.
• Andrea’s advice is don’t die a virgin. Terrorists are up there waiting for you.

Community Service will be headed up by Richard Schulhof.

• Richard is a relatively new member of Arcadia Rotary. I noticed on his application form, where it said “sign here,” he put “Sagittarius.”
• He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
• Richard has a very low opinion of others. He considers them equals.
• Some say he suffers from insanity. That’s not true; he enjoys it.

Mark Khalaf, one of Rotary’s lawyers, will be in charge of International Service.

• When I met Mark at one of his first meetings I asked him what he did. He said he was a lawyer. I said, “Honest?” He said, “No, just the regular kind.”
• He just finished representing the husband in a divorce. The wife’s lawyer got the house and Mark got the car and the beach house.
• Mark can outtalk an echo.
• He has his principles, and if you don’t like them, he has others.

Dr. Tom Miles will be the director for Vocational Service.

• A patient walked into Tom’s office and said he thought he was suffering from déjà vu. Tom said, “Didn’t I see you yesterday?”
• Patient comes in and tells Tom that everyone keeps ignoring him. Tom said, “Next please.”
• In his spare time he came up with a great invention: a smoke detector with a snooze alarm.
• Tom has an inferiority complex . . . and it’s fully justified.

Gary Hackney will be next year’s director of Environmental Service.

• Gary is one of those deep thinkers. For example, he wonders why “phonics” isn’t spelled the way it sounds.
• And why “abbreviated” is such a long word.
• Once when he was younger he ran away from home. His parents sent word that if he didn’t come back, all would be forgiven.
• Gary says he’s never killed a man, but he’s read many obituaries with great pleasure.

Back for another year as club Treasurer is Roger Grant.

• Roger didn’t want to be treasurer again, but they told him he had to keep doing it until the books were balanced.
• He obviously doesn’t have a split personality. I mean, if he did, would he use this one?
• He told me he put a dollar in a change machine recently. But nothing changed!
• I used to think Roger was a pain in the neck, but now I’ve got a much lower opinion of him.

Continuing as our long-time Secretary is Jack Lamb.

• Jack told me he started with nothing . . . and still has most of it.
• He also said he had put away enough money to last the rest of his life . . . unless he wants to buy something.
• When Jack was a kid, people asked him what he wanted to be when he was older. If he answered, “Wrinkled,” mission accomplished.
• Jack isn’t all that old. But when he goes to a restaurant they ask him to pay up front.

Our incoming Vice President is Mike Hoey.

• Mike told me that when he found out he was going to be in line for the Rotary presidency he was as happy as Michael Jackson at a Harry Potter book signing.
• He’s a modest person, with much to be modest about.
• Mike came off the golf course recently and said he only hit two good balls all day. He stepped on a rake.
• Back when he was married Mike’s wife accused him of fooling around. He denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Please welcome our President-Elect, Mike Ojeda.

• Mike told me he wasn’t quite himself today. I noticed the improvement right away.
• He says alcohol doesn’t solve any problems. But, then again, neither does milk.
• They say hard work never killed anyone. Mike said maybe, but he’s never known anyone who rested to death.
• Mike is a little slow. He thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.
• Did I say slow? It takes him two hours to watch “60 Minutes.”

Finally, we get to our new President, Mimi Hennessy.

• Mimi’s philosophy is that it doesn’t matter whether you win or lose . . . what matters is whether she wins or loses.
• My advice to Mimi as she assumes her high office is to make sure when she opens her mouth to speak, that it’s an improvement on the silence.
• Mimi made her career in education. She said a teacher is a person who used to think she liked children.
• She sometimes thinks she had amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. She thinks she’s forgotten this before.

Where’s Mimi? Didn’t she come up here? Oh for crying out loud, we throw this big party for her and she doesn’t show up? Bruce, you’re in charge here. Didn’t you remind her about tonight?

Here’s a video that might explain things. [unquote and end script]

Note: There will be a test on this later.